I find that in most things, Americans are much more laid back and informal than their Northern Irish counterparts. In the States we seem to value individuality very highly, which translates to there being as many ways of doing things as there are people. Dinner parties vary from a formally set table of China and crystal to eating off a paper plate and plastic cup on your knee... and everything in between. The great thing is, all these different ways of entertaining are acceptable, and no one bats an eyelash!
From my experience, Northern Irish culture tends to be more formal, and abides by a more fixed set of rules and expectations. There seems to be a right way and a wrong way to do most things in this country. Because of this, there is a lot less variety in the way people entertain. There are certain rules to be followed if things are to be done "correctly".
*It must be said that these are generalizations (which I know can be VERY dangerous), but for me, the only way I can navigate a foreign culture is to notice what the "general rules" are and realize that there are always exceptions to those rules. I do understand, that even within Northern Irish culture there are varying degrees of formality... the country being much more traditional and keeping even more closely to the fixed rules than the city, etc. All that being said, these are some of the "rules" as I have observed them:
- plates must be warmed (in the oven or an electric blanket type contraption especially for plate warming)
- three courses should be served (starter, main, and dessert)
- separate silverware must be set out for each course in the proper place (dessert spoons and forks go above the plate, who knew there were even separate spoons and forks for dessert, doesn't everyone just lick off their spoon and save it for dessert?)
- side plates should be used for bread (and special knives, again, who knew?)
- tea and coffee are always served after dessert
- "biscuits" or cookies must be served with tea and coffee (so I guess that's actually 4 courses)
- chocolates are often served with tea and coffee too (is that 5 courses?)
- food is usually plated in the kitchen and served to guests (very little buffet or family style here)
- dinner starts much later and lasts much longer than in America (not unusual to go for dinner at 8:00 PM, when I feel one should be turning in for the evening and getting ready for bed)
- guests must stay "the right" amount of time (leaving too soon is very rude and indicates you haven't had a good time, staying too long is also rude... I have yet to figure out how you know what "the right" amount of time is, Robert just gives me the nod when it is OK to go)
- there is a ritual around leaving someone's home... first, you CAN NOT mention leaving too soon, or everyone will be offended and whisper about you later that you "eat and run" which is a cardinal sin... after "the right" amount of time has passed, you mention that you should be going, but then you sit on for another 20 minutes or so, then you mention that you should be going again and sit on for an additional 20 minutes or so, you can then mention that you should be going a third time and actually begin making your way to the door. The goodbye at the door can take anywhere from 1-20 minutes, depending. And then, approximately an hour later, you can actually get in your car and go.
All these rules were new to me! In my experience, plates are only warmed by the sun when they are sitting on the end of a picnic table. No one in my family drinks tea or coffee, we are more the hot chocolate type. And the only time we eat "plated" food is at a restaurant. Meals were always family style at our house.
Needless to say, the first few times I entertained over here I got nearly all of it "WRONG". Thankfully most Northern Irish people were willing to overlook my lack of proper entertaining protocol because I'm not from here. Over my 2+ years here I've gradually learned "the rules" and make reasonable attempts to follow them even though I find most of them silly.
Once I began to get a sense that there is a "proper" way to do entertaining (and that most of my American entertaining habits were not "proper" in this place) I started to get REALLY stressed any time people came over. I would fuss around the table moving silverware, double checking to make sure all the proper utensils were in the proper places, and generally getting myself all worked up. A Northern Irish woman once complained when I was in her home, that some people are so lazy, they don't leave the proper distance between the plate and the edge of the table, nor do they line up the silverware evenly with the plate, and they even leave fingerprints on the silverware. So, the next time I had guests in my house I was nearly in tears over whether or not the plates were the proper distance from the edge of the table, and I polished each utensil and placed it without touching it so there would be no fingerprints. (believe it or not, it is true, and I was VERY emotional about it, just ask Robert!)
Maybe it was just the stress of moving to this country, maybe it was the stress of being newly married and wanting Robert's family and friends to like me... who knows? But that tearful event was a turning point for me. Something that I had once LOVED doing had turned into something that I dreaded and cried over! I decided from that moment on that I would do the best I could, and if it wasn't up to people's expectations, it was too bad! Since then, I've relaxed so much and enjoy entertaining once again!
The only rule which I refuse to attempt is the plate warming. For some reason, I have chosen this as my last stand. I will not, under any circumstances warm a plate. I think it is my little way of reminding people that I am NOT Northern Irish. I am AMERICAN and I'm proud of it! I'll make all kinds of adjustments to the way I live and speak. I'll put up with a thousand frustrations and inconveniences as a guest in this country... but I will not warm a plate! Strange the things we hang onto from our own culture and background! Even stranger that I chose plate warming as the hill I wanted to plant my flag and live or die on!
After a bumpy start, I think I'm finding a balance in combining the best of Northern Irish and American entertaining practices. I'm trying very hard not to view one way as "right" and the other way as "wrong". They are just different. (With the exception of plate warming, which I do think is just wrong.) It is the challenge that expats face in all areas of life in a foreign land... letting go of the notion that there is only one way to do things, that the way which is familiar to you is somehow better than all the others. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but being open to other ways of living, doing, and being while remaining true to yourself is more difficult than it seems and is something I have to practice over and over and over again!
So, if you come over to our place you can expect a warm American/Northern Irish welcome, a (hopefully) tasty meal, tea, coffee, and biscuits, I'll even try to lay the silverware out properly... just don't expect a warm plate!!
*Disclaimer: If you are Northern Irish, please don't be offended. This is my interpretation of "the rules" from the outside looking in! These are things I've noticed generally from a foreigner's perspective. I know not EVERY Northern Irish person follows these rules exactly nor is every Northern Irish person formal in this way. I also do know in my head that warming plates makes sense when serving hot food... but I will still never do it!! Perhaps my next post will be about the oddities of American style entertaining from Robert's Northern Irish perspective (and believe me, he finds the American way of doing things strange too)!
Needless to say, the first few times I entertained over here I got nearly all of it "WRONG". Thankfully most Northern Irish people were willing to overlook my lack of proper entertaining protocol because I'm not from here. Over my 2+ years here I've gradually learned "the rules" and make reasonable attempts to follow them even though I find most of them silly.
Once I began to get a sense that there is a "proper" way to do entertaining (and that most of my American entertaining habits were not "proper" in this place) I started to get REALLY stressed any time people came over. I would fuss around the table moving silverware, double checking to make sure all the proper utensils were in the proper places, and generally getting myself all worked up. A Northern Irish woman once complained when I was in her home, that some people are so lazy, they don't leave the proper distance between the plate and the edge of the table, nor do they line up the silverware evenly with the plate, and they even leave fingerprints on the silverware. So, the next time I had guests in my house I was nearly in tears over whether or not the plates were the proper distance from the edge of the table, and I polished each utensil and placed it without touching it so there would be no fingerprints. (believe it or not, it is true, and I was VERY emotional about it, just ask Robert!)
Maybe it was just the stress of moving to this country, maybe it was the stress of being newly married and wanting Robert's family and friends to like me... who knows? But that tearful event was a turning point for me. Something that I had once LOVED doing had turned into something that I dreaded and cried over! I decided from that moment on that I would do the best I could, and if it wasn't up to people's expectations, it was too bad! Since then, I've relaxed so much and enjoy entertaining once again!
The only rule which I refuse to attempt is the plate warming. For some reason, I have chosen this as my last stand. I will not, under any circumstances warm a plate. I think it is my little way of reminding people that I am NOT Northern Irish. I am AMERICAN and I'm proud of it! I'll make all kinds of adjustments to the way I live and speak. I'll put up with a thousand frustrations and inconveniences as a guest in this country... but I will not warm a plate! Strange the things we hang onto from our own culture and background! Even stranger that I chose plate warming as the hill I wanted to plant my flag and live or die on!
After a bumpy start, I think I'm finding a balance in combining the best of Northern Irish and American entertaining practices. I'm trying very hard not to view one way as "right" and the other way as "wrong". They are just different. (With the exception of plate warming, which I do think is just wrong.) It is the challenge that expats face in all areas of life in a foreign land... letting go of the notion that there is only one way to do things, that the way which is familiar to you is somehow better than all the others. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but being open to other ways of living, doing, and being while remaining true to yourself is more difficult than it seems and is something I have to practice over and over and over again!
So, if you come over to our place you can expect a warm American/Northern Irish welcome, a (hopefully) tasty meal, tea, coffee, and biscuits, I'll even try to lay the silverware out properly... just don't expect a warm plate!!
*Disclaimer: If you are Northern Irish, please don't be offended. This is my interpretation of "the rules" from the outside looking in! These are things I've noticed generally from a foreigner's perspective. I know not EVERY Northern Irish person follows these rules exactly nor is every Northern Irish person formal in this way. I also do know in my head that warming plates makes sense when serving hot food... but I will still never do it!! Perhaps my next post will be about the oddities of American style entertaining from Robert's Northern Irish perspective (and believe me, he finds the American way of doing things strange too)!
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